It's Wally's World

(How the ancient past may be closer than you think…)

No offense, but I’ve eaten a human before.  Yep, the opportunity just jumped up in front of me and I had to try it once.  Tasted like chicken.  Haw, haw, now that’s funny!  A little “human” humor for you.

Let me explain, I guess we haven’t been properly introduced yet.  I’m an alligator, what your scientists would call an alligator mississippiensis.  Eight-hundred pounds, fifteen feet long, lean and dark green, what’s not to love?  You couldn’t pronounce my real name, so you can call me “Wally”.  Haw, haw, another good one!  You guys anthropomorphize everything, right?  The world revolves around you.

Well here is a little secret for you, some sad and lonely news: it actually doesn’t.  Me and my kind have been around here for some 200 million years, give or take a century.  You, ah, not so much.  I give you some 3 to 4 million years since you crawled up out of the muck.  Barely a flash in the pan, a blink of the eye, as far as I am concerned.  Whooped-di-doo.

200 million years!  Think about that for just a second.  If scales and tails could talk, me and my kind could tell you some stories, for sure.  And you may be the current big Kahuna worldwide but, down here in the Everglades, I rule over everything, as far as my eye can see.

Okay, raise your hand if you think humans will survive to 200 million years.  Seriously.  What kind of odds do you think I could get if I put my money down on that happening?  I’m thinking about a bazillion to one.

Oh, I know, you’ve had some successes.  I give you credit.  The Taj Mahal.  Fine cuisine.  Science fiction.  Indoor plumbing.  I get it, you can do good when you want to.

But it hasn’t all been wine and roses, has it?  No.  The Crusades.  The Holocaust.  Rap music.  Mortgage-backed derivative securities.  That list goes on and on.

See, I think you might sometimes be a little too focused on you for your own greater good.  I’ll give you an example I think you can all relate to.  I call it the “Your Mother doesn’t actually work here syndrome”.  You’re in the office kitchen, heating up your lunch or coffee.  Suddenly you decide that, for whatever reason, your food is really done, so you just open the microwave and take it out, then slam it shut.  Back to the cube!

But do you spend the extra second to hit the “Clear” button on the microwave?  Even if you see that the time remaining is still blinking “00:36”, over and over?  Tell the truth: you don’t, do you?  I didn’t think so.  The next guy has to do it.

I’m telling you, it’s all downhill from there for you guys.  I got two words for you: space travel.  Let’s face it, it’s your only chance.  You know it’s true!  Maybe if you set up enough colonies, one of them will figure it out and survive.

Okay, you’ve been patient listening to me, so I have a fun fact for you.  The sex of baby alligators is determined by the temperature in their nest after the female lays her eggs.  If the incubation temperature is 86 degrees or lower, females will be born; if it is 93 degrees or higher, males will be born. (I guess if it is between 86 and 93 degrees, it’s a toss up).  Isn’t that great!  You couldn’t make this stuff up.

Funny thing, though, it has been warming up in our habitats in the last 20 years or so (I know, not even a blink of the eye!)  Maybe you heard about this global warming thing.  That means more male alligators are being born.  Male alligators tend to be more aggressive, more exploratory, than female alligators.

Also, with the warmer temps, some of our habitats have been drying up.  That means we have to move out.  And there is only one way to go: north.  To South Carolina.  To Georgia.  To Alabama.  To Arkansas.  To Oklahoma.  To Tennessee.  Next stop: who knows?  I always did want to see the sewers of New York City.

So perhaps we will meet on the road one of these days.  It’s about time humans and alligators got to know each other better, isn’t it, after all these millions of years?  I have a heavy body and a slow metabolism, but I’m capable of short bursts of extreme speed and have an exceptionally powerful jaw that can easily crunch bones.  If you are within a 30-foot circle of me, fuhgeddaboudit!  Your arm or leg will be my lunch, done just the way I like it.  No microwave needed.

I do like chicken!

This story was originally published in the News & Observer newspaper of Raleigh on January 7, 2012. 


To see a clip of the Gator Boys, as seen on Animal Planet, catching a gator, click here.


To view a clip of an alligator mating dance, click here.